What Guys Should Know Before Valentines by Leroy “Millz” Dzenga


Hie my name is Leroy and I do not believe in valentine’s or I fail to see the depth in the concept. My belief is some mischievous guy in the early centuries came up with the idea just to assist the capitalists raise sales for their expiring chocolates and wilting roses. But that is me just being a conspiracy theorist don’t mind me.

Times and again I have seen people especially my fellow guys telling each other that Valentine’s is not that important and how it is a sheer waste of time. I am guilty of spreading the same gospel although I end up doing the opposite. Let’s not lie to each other valentine’s is one of those things you can’t exactly establish the logic behind but you participate anyways.

Below are the main reasons why you should get valentine’s for your loved one’s :

The Generous Uncle

1. If you a guy and you tell your girl that you are broke. She will understand of cause, hold your hand tell you that she is cool with not getting anything since there is always next year. You brag to your fellas that your relationship isn’t materialistic and spit the phrase “hamurohwe mari” in urban lingo. But don’t be surprised when you see her with an IPhone 6 or Samsung S5 days after the 14th. And before you ask where it came from let me give you the possible answers you are going to receive :

(a) Ndakaitumirwa na tete vangu vari ku Uk(My aunt in the United Kingdom sent it to me)

(b) Ndakaipihwa ne brother yangu (My brother sent it to me)..

The sad truth in reality is, that uncle of hers who always calls and is very strict (to the extent that he gets melodramatic when he sees you with her or any other guy within 2 meters of her vicinity ) is the one who bought the phone for her from Goldtech or any Econet shop in town.  The miracle is that the uncle is not related to either your girl’s mom or dad, isn’t God just great?. In practice your girl loves you but because of your inability to go out of your financial year a few times a year. She keeps you for her emotions and the mysterious uncle for her needs. It’s a simple game really.

A bonus point on this, These uncles are normally allergic to latex and when she comes to you with a daughter that doesn’t look like either of you remember what you did last valentine’s.

The Giggling Friends

(2) When you get to meet your girl’s friends and family you don’t wanna be hit with “Ohhhhh ndiwe John wacho, I have heard a lot about you” (add a silly giggle amongst the friends) . You obviously respond with a “I hope you heard the good stuff”. Bra, truth is they will be looking at you thinking how a grown man like you gives his girl nothing but nicely packaged excuses for valentine’s. When you hit them with that rehearsed accent, they will be laughing at how a “musalad” like you fails to foot the most basic of bills. They will question your ability to sustain a household since you are already in your mid twenties. This is where you end up being a victim of questions like “Where do you see us in 5 years?”  or  the old time pregnancy scare. Failure to answer those questions comprehensively will leave you lonely on charges of lack of seriousness and it usually happens towards winter. How cruel! All because of a simple Chocolate box, jewellery, lingerie and a nicely written poem. Even if you hire me to write on your behalf lol…

The Waiting List

(3) Remember the guy she’s always with. The one she told you never to worry about. Yep, I am talking about the besty. That guy she placed in the friendzone because of you. In the event of you slacking on Valentine’s trust the guy to be waiting outside her gate with a pink tablet, an engraved chain and a ticket for two to go to the 100 bucks Liquideep concert. You know what? even if you buy the gift nothing is going to stop the besty from going out of his way to impress your empress. There is a sentimental effect that comes with receiving a gift and knowing girls, if that occurs you should start worrying about the besty. Because in consoling your girl after your non compliance, he may plant a kiss on her lips and the rest is history.
By not buying a simple gift you would have gifted the fool a ticket out of the friendzone.

The Castration

(4)I almost forgot to mention how she can easily make you look like a fool by simply buying you a gift. Imagine spending the whole night thanking her for the Blazer or the Cologne. When you know clearly that you haven’t given her anything yourself. This will be a shot at your persona and ego when you feel like you are the charity case in the relationship. This will result in insecurities brooding and  consequently a fatality for your  relationship.

So bro if you really into her, try and get a little something for her this valentine’s. A love sms is not enough if it is unaccompanied with something she can hold on to and smile every time she thinks of you.

I am not an expert in this particular department but you never know. Even if you don’t believe in it, girls by default believe in Valentine’s no matter what they may tell you. Bro, please get a lil something or take her out. NB (NyatsoBata) Spending the day with her cuddling is not a valentine’s present it’s her entitlement.

Ndapedza Ndini wenyu
Leroy Dzenga (Guest blogger)

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