How To Be The King Of H-Town Hip-hop

The King

Most of you have been blowing up my inbox and asking for tips on how to be an H-town King. I have repeatedly said I have no idea, but seeing that it’s a frequently asked question. I took a note book and sat with someone who has actually done the practical. Let’s just call him the H-town King for the articles sake. If I seem to be talking about characters that exist in your reality, trust me it’s not them, it’s just a coincidence. (To my American readers, H-town in this case, is not referring to Harlem. We are referring to Harare in Zimbabwe. We couldn’t come up with our own name so we took yours, when we stole your accents).

Get A Flat Cap

A flat cap is a must. It’s like your crown. Also, you probably couldn’t get a graduation cap which is flat too. This one is a good one. It shows you graduated in the “school of hip-hop”. Everything should basically stay flat. Your tyres, your wallet and not forgetting your girlfriend (from whichever side we look at her)… it will be a bit hard to deflate the back of that TV but that’s okay. You can still watch MTV on it and copy down rhyme schemes of all the artists you aspire to sound like. Make sure you have something to write on and you need to have a sharp ear.

Get A Facebook Account

At this point get all your social media accounts in place. You need to find a cracked copy of Adobe Photoshop or Corel Draw or send me money to edit picture of you. These will be posted on the profile. We can paste you anywhere you want. In front of a Hummer, a Ferrari or even take pictures of you in a coffin or wearin plastic gold chains, shirtless and all. It really depends what you want. As long as your Facebook friends like and share and say you’re dope. We can put some of the pasted pictures in black and white, so that no one sees that we pasted. A few Instagram effects to go with them. At this point, you’re really beginning to look like the King. Don’t forget the flat cap and putting up the westcoast sign… no smiles too. You face should look like you letting off a constipated dump. Call it the “constipated mean mug”.

Raise Your Cup High

Now when in the club, I know your pockets are flat as expected of a King. Just manage to get at least one drink though. Sit with generous guys who can afford. Sip on it slowly throughout the night and get your flat chick under your arm raise that bottle and take a pic. The girl should smile while you maintain our constipated mean mug cap’n. It’s not really hard to pull off. You can practice this at home in the luxury of your lavatory while reading a copy of H-Metro. The shock will really rub the frown in. Just eat a lot of loose biscuits with very little in-take of water. Stay away from the toilet for two days till your face muscles capture the frown. Now raise that cup in a visible position while visualizing the frown you practiced in that lavatory.

You want to show everyone that you managed to afford alcohol today, like a King.

Take A picture On The Steering Wheel

Now even if you do not have a drivers license, VID will not charge you for taking pics on your homeboys steering wheel. Swing that door, and carefully place one of your arms on the the steering wheel. Now wear some black shades. You don’t want them to see the guilt in your eyes when they look at that picture. The constipated mean mug is a must. Just make sure you’re on an empty stomach while you’re at it, you might spoil yourself by accident. This is really an art that takes time and requires precision. If you have weak sphincter muscles the throne is not for you.

Drop A Generic Trap Song

Now by this time, I hope MTV has given you a lot of rhyme schemes to hi-jack. Just replace them with Shona and English raps and record the song. Your song should really outline your dreams and aspirations. Make sure you mention all the clothing labels on your wishlist here in case Santa gets to listen to the song.

At this point you can edit your Facebook account and call yourself the CEO of a label, perhaps H-King Recordz. You can also come up with a hashtag to throw around. Polish DJ shoes for airplay or wash their boxers. Whatever you do, get that song out there and push it. For starters you may want to refresh your own plays. Look for a platform that allows download count to increase on the same computer. Hulkshare work. See it’s all about perceptions.  When they see your “downloads” they will surely believe you’re King.

Ignore Diss Tracks From Dope Emcees

Hear No Evil

When dope emcees figure out how fake you are, they will begin doing a lot of name-calling in their songs. Now you want to be very Thabo Mbeki about it. Talk about silent diplomacy and tell the media that you’re not going to respond and you’re too mature for that. In fact in that week, intensify the number of pics on your Facebook. Hold that Ciroc and return it to the bar-tender soon after the pic. Wear the shame shades… You don’t ever want them to see the shame in your eyes.

I’m sure these instructions gave you a comprehensive methodology you can put into use on your road to being an h-town king. Don’t miss a step and thank me later.


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