When I Was High Part 4: The Urban Guide To Spotting A Groupie

Until this year I always used to spell groupie as groupie, thanks to the bad grammar in Navy Seal’s rhyme book. Fab Johnson, the grammar cop slapped me with a fine. This article, which I supposedly wrote under the influence of love and other drugs, is going to zero in on what one needs to know about spotting a groupie.

Note that we are not saying being a groupie is a bad thing. I may need groupies y’all, they are some of the most “inspirational” people. My number is always at the bottom of the article.-*wink-wink*

Okay, before we say anything about being a groupie, we need to zero in on what a groupie is. I must also certify that the term “groupie” is not highlighted as a spelling error in Microsoft Word, making it bona-fide. According to my favourite dictionary, the urban dictionary:

Groupie {gru-pi}

A young woman, often under age (if you’re ignoring Tomana’s logic), who seeks to achieve status by having sex with rock musicians, roadies, security and other band related guys.

groupies

Okay, there were many definitions besides that one but they all dwell around the key words, young woman, bands, celebrities and fanaticism. Under-age is relative, it depends if you agree that 12 year olds are old enough to tie the knot, i.e Tomana-Logic, plus I’ve seen some 48 year old groupies. Most of them are married women who either are some prophet’s cheer leader or some politician. The 5 P’s almost always get groupies.

Pastors

Pop-stars

Politicians

Police

Potar J

Groupies are of course not limited to these individuals, but in each case you can probably imagine how both parties stand to benefit. Now let’s go through indicators that give an idea of who’s a groupie and who’s a fan. Certainly not all ladies that like a celebrity are groupies.

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They love to let it known that they know the celebrity PERSONALLY on Facebook

Whilst other ordinary fans may be communicating with a public figure such as ExQ or Stunner on Facebook using his pseudonym (i.e. Stunner for example), groupies will refer to him as Dezi (short for Desmond) and through a few hints and innuendos then summon him to the in-box. I owe this observation to Noble Stylz (he talked about this sometime in 2014).

They could also tag him exclusively in status updates to show off how they know him. Unfortunately, this indicator can implicate relatives or friends he had before the fame as thus. So we have put other indicators in the article to diagnose. After-all head-ache is a symptom of Malaria, but headache alone does not mean one has Malaria.

Lurking in the studio or amongst artistes.

She is not a vocalist, guitarist, producer, blogger neither is she a girlfried of any creative in the room but she is present at every studio session… or even where there’s no studio session drunk. Guys in the room basically feel comfortable saying sexual connotations and throwing innuendos without her taking offence. At first you may think she is a certain dude’s girl till another rapper walks in and does the same thing to her. Chances are she has bedded a cloud of artistes even from a rival stable as long as they were trending.

Sometimes she’s so drunk that even the artistes that host her wonder how she’ll sneak in home un-noticed. – You can use this symptom alone but then I still need you to read the rest of my article.

She’ll treat the public figure better than her man (if she has one).

Women that overly support Pastors or certain political parties are usually part of this. They can have a frame of Papa or Baba all over the house and on garments. They will defend their idol religiously and you risk being scorched by cooking oil for holding alternative views.

These devotees will plan to buy a gift in their idols absence and fund everything.

Madzimai, have you seen that the Pastor needs a new suit.”

“…new socks.”

“…boxers.”

Gumbura had a few who stood with him throughout his trial. It may be because at one time he “stood behind them” or promised to. Somewhere at home a quiet man gave up and sits there frustrated like Dubois in the episode of The Boondocks where Usher makes his wife blush.

So there you have it, we have groupies from younger ages, straight into menopause. Some women started as groupies and went up through political ranks; some are now shareholders whilst some are now celebrities on the socialite scene and have been at Big Brother. Sometimes it’s not all about having A’s and B’s when you have an S.

Groupie business is becoming an alternative career route with staggering unemployment rates.

Suggested Reading

When I Was High Part 1

When I Was High Part 2

When I Was High Part 3

P.S : If there is any issue you would like to suggest that I touch on in this new series, please write to me on my Facebook Page or tag me on @Mcpotar. Note that I will not fight beefs for you through this podium, so don’t inbox asking me to diss fellow artistes, except Taso of course.

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