Church Attendance In African Winter

Church is a great place to be on a Sunday, provided the Praise and Worship team actually attends practice and your Pastor understands the concept of “less is more”. No long sermons and all, straight to the point but enriching. – Church is actually a great place!

Not mentioning the perks that come with it. I mean after church you can mingle with people, get numbers from that girl on the premise of, “We should know each other as church youth.” and sell your mediocre gospel mixtape to everybody because the Pastor told them to support you.

“You should support the young man! If we don’t support him as the church who will.”

Yes so come along with your average products, we will be obliged to buy them after church just to please you.

Then comes along winter!

I suppose in winter, money driven pastors get worried about the amount of offering they may get. It will start to decrease like the weight of a traffic cop who’s been transferred to the office. The church is probably going to be half empty so on the run up to winter they will blackmail you into believing that if you do not come to church when winter begins on the basis of weather, “You are a lukewarm Christian,” – Well at least there’s a bit of warmth in that… but the words are cold.

The irony is the big Papa’s who hold their services in open space where the real cold is, will still have their crowd shivering and screaming, “Go deeper papa”. – At this point a little mbaura (COAL HEATER) will come in handy underneath the pulpit as long as it doesn’t burn Papa’s suit.

Perhaps just as the rich have personal tutors and doctors that come and treat them right in the comfort of their homes they may request a special church service in the comfort of their bed. Pastor by the bed-side ready to preach, maybe 5 praise and worship singers and so forth. – The offering on this one will have to compensate.

You are discouraged from watching the sermon from television, the blessings will bounce on the screen.

Well the praise and worship finally has the chance to get everyone to stand up and dance. They may usually have a hard time. It is either there are those quiet members, whose names nobody knows folding their arms as if to say, “try harder, ” or the shy brother who is really trying to dance but you can’t tell because of his micro-movements.

The choir leader will desperately say blackmail quotes like, “Usanyara kutambira mwari wako, ukanyara… mwari achakunyara wo.” – (don’t be shy to dance for God, if you are shy… God will be ashamed to bless you too). – Well we know that the real reason she wants you to stand up is not for God is it. It’s because she wants to be later proud of being able to move the crowd. You might need to stand up to just boost her confidence.

Not dancing doesn’t mean you’re ashamed of God, maybe you naturally don’t like dancing at all.

Alas! Today there is no need to motivate anyone… the weather speaks for itself and those who manage to get out of bed to attend church feel like the greatest prayer warriors of all time and thereby will be given the “BEST CHURCH PERSON MUG”.

And those who missed the service to “chill and Netflix” repent from thy iniquity. You not serious!


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