New Jokes February 2017

The following jokes were created by Michael “Mcpotar” Mupotaringa and Monalisa K Chishato. These are new jokes made in February 2017.

Walking Through The Avenues

A man walking in the prostitute infested Avenues is stopped by a lady in a mini skirt.

As he tries to listen to what she is saying his phone rings, so picking the call he says, “… Sorry 2 minutes…”

She replies, “That’s 2 bucks.”

Her Old Sugar Daddy

An 18 year old Victoria, she wants her 73 year old sugar-daddy to dye. She doesn’t like white hair.

Allahu Akbar at the airport

An Arab guy yelled, Allah Hu Akbar at the airport, then everyone took cover. Then he said, “False-Alarma-lakum”.

Doctor Appointments

A doctor walks in to the waiting room after a woman has been waiting ther for hours.

He asks, “Do I have any patients in the room.”

The woman says, “No, but I’m Vicky.”

 

Doctor Appointments Pt. 2

Doctor comes late, and asks
“Do I have any patients.”

“Well, yes you do, but they didn’t.”

Hope you enjoyed the humour. If you support and like creativity please share this post with your friends.

Visit Monalisa Chishato’s blog by clicking here.

Joke : The Prophet and The Prostitute

When the guys at TV rejected my video for having cattle in it they said, “Great concept Mike but, we are promoting LOW-COW CONTENT.”

*
GIRL: A prophet you say?

PROPHET: Yes, I am a Prophet

GIRL: Really, can you tell me what I do?

PROPHET: Your job?

GIRL: Yes Papa…

PROPHET: You make money from pleasing men, sexually.

GIRL: Oh my word. You actually are a prophet. I have been trying to get out of that. Wow you really a prophet. (Begins to cry)

PROPHET: Nope, I haven’t started the prophetic bit… Was sure I saw you last night on my favourite porn site.

*

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A Mixture Of Funny And Dry Short Jokes by Mcpotar

Today I decided to compile you 18 jokes which I wrote in 2016. It is a mixture of humid humour and dry jokes. You may tweet some of the one liners and share some of them with your family.

01 – 

Pessimistic people look at Hip-hop videos with girls in bikini’s and say, “You are watching half naked girls.”

Positive people see half dressed chicks.

02

My tombstone should’ve one of the following

1. “Haters, you happy now?”
2. “Don’t disturb. I need some rest.”
3. #Dead
4. “Don’t worry, your turn is coming.”
5. “In memory of me go to Facebook and like my page. I’ll post from my Ghost account.”
6. “If you are tired you can sit on this stone.”

03

Tsano: Merry Christmas Samantha.

Samantha: I don’t know who Christmas is but I’d deffinitely Marry Chris Brown.

04

A good marketing strategy for a drink for kids is to call it FUN. Imagine when parents give their kids pocket money and say, “Go out and have fun.”

05

A cop caught a drunken driver and said, “Sir, you are under arrest.”

He said, “F*** no, am under the influence of alcohol.”

06

In 7th Grade our class monitor was white. It had contrast buttons and was a Compaq.

07

A dude, sat with his girl in a restaurant, held her palms and looked into her eyes gently.

” Baby, everyone needs a place where they can vent their frustrations. Share their successes and opinions and be themselves. I found that place when I found you.”

She smiled, “Awww that sweet hun.”

“Yes, without you I wouldn’t know where to vent. Thank you for introducing me to Facebook.”

08

One useless room in a Ghost House is the “living room”.

09

Life expectancy in Africa is getting so low that one of these days if you go to someone elses funeral you wont have time to prepare for yours.

10

I saw funny looking cloth. I think it’s comedy material.

11

When the law finally catches up with corrupt politicians, please don’t give them jail sentences. Just give them paragraphs!

12

60 seconds after an alcoholic had sipped a tote of Vodka, his A.A advisor called to check up on him.

“When was the last time you drank.” Said the Instructor.

He answered, “It’s been a minute.”

13

The newspapers  used to dedicate a small portion of the paper to jokes, nowadays they dedicate the whole paper.

14

You and WORDS look alike, sometimes I confuse you with them.

15

You so ugly it’s like Satan landed on your face when he got kicked out of heaven.

16

An old man  refused to enter a modern toilet, “No, no, no I won’t. There’s people watching.” he said.

Someone had flushed the toilet and he thought it was a round of applause.

17

Tsano: During the rainy season, what do you do with clothes after washing them.
Dr.Bae: I take them where-ever they dry Mcpotar’s jokes.

18

Three men walked into a bar, a soccer star, an electrician and a Priest.

The soccer star got Vodka.

The electrician got a cider.

The Priest got out.

 

Hope you enjoyed them, if you like my writing do not hesitate to follow me on twitter @Mcpotar

 

 

 

 

Here is Why 2016 Is Funnier Than 1980

In 1980, Victoria was crowned the Queen of Sweden, Zimbabwe attained it’s independence from the British (supposedly), British Steel workers went on strike, gold hit a record of $634 US Bond note per ounce  and at least one or two Tawanda’s were born in that year. None of which was funny compared to  what happened in 2016.




So we are approaching the end of 2016 a year I consider to have had a lot of hilarious incidents in entertainment. Entertainers were basically providing us unplanned comic relief as they were going about their lives.

Or perhaps, on a more conspiracy theorist tip it was a mechanism by the government to draw your attention from Honorable Chinotimba, a rise in cyclists in Tsholotsho and the 15 billion they transferred to my Econet line for data bundles, some of which I transferred to Cashbid to support his 90 minute good morning Voice Notes.

From Lady Squanda, joining Skimbo and her foot in Unruly Matrimony, “You may kiss the foot.” To Trevor Dongo turning into a Street Fighter. Programmers in Zimbabwe are sleeping on him; I’m hoping some American gaming company can have him in Mortal Kombat. Him and the tramp. It’s an alternative revenue model.

Well Lady Squander succesfully managed to get this jester a bit of attention and a chance to be in the United Kingdom. Sometimes even though everyone can refuse to give you a hand with your career, you can depend on Squanda to give you a foot. The “first step” to going international will be on your lips.

Evidently, the organizers of the UK event were ready to “foot” the bill than “squander” it on a rogue. It was unwise of her to take FOOTage of course. Self incriminating evidence, like Mudiwa taking selfie videos whilst driving.

Am sure looking under the foot, Skimbo saw 50 Shades of Black and cops can investigate celebrities from their smartphones by scrolling through videos they post.




Back to Trevor Dongo, which is really a no-go area. The name kind of rhymes with, “Don’ go”… So let’s just take a peek. One foot into the issue. – Definitel not Kung Fu Squanda’s though.

Earlier in the year his imaginary publicist lashed out at Mudiwa Hood for collecting his ZIMA award on his behalf if you remember. I since employed that imaginary character and he is the one writing this article, so Mcpotar has nothing to do with this.

Mudiwa had just taken that award out of good will.

Mudiwa always seems to be the self appointed person to accept awards for Stars when the stars are not available. Perhaps he should start charging for that as a service. With the Diddy look and everything it’ss not such a bad idea.

We could even just pay him to grab everyones award, even at Zimbabwe Women Awards, just as soon as we deal with his butter fingers. Till then it’s aalso a bad idea to say to him, “may you hold these grenades for me, I’ll be back in a sec.”

His dropping of Jah Prayzah’s award was of course a genuine mistake.

We all make mistakes like when Stunner Crushed a borrowed car in fourth street whilst driving without a licence or when Zim Hip-hop Awards presenters read the name Takura as Stunner in the best video category.

Even some heads of States have read the wrong speeches before, so don’t judge ZHHA. They did a great job this year still.

We can’t talk about 2016 without mentioning how people enjoyed trolling CST’s better half and driving him to a 2 week sabbatical. Even causing the brother to apologize for all the trolling he had done over the years or Zaleekah, going all out on Facebook to humiliate @Diddy_Zw before appearing in tonnes of pics with him again.

They say “Zvevaviri hazvipindirwi, kunopindirwa ma queue ekuCABS chete.”Which essentially means, peoples love relationships are best not interfered with.

We can skip the part about Cal_Vin allegedly getting smacked for talking smack by Jnr Brown, because we never got to verify whether it was true or not. The “We Run It” fueled beef was actually great content for many a blog, many memes were made as well. They did the Amen Remix together a few months later so the audience got confused, some felt played by the game.

Well that’s how the game is. You can never decipher some of the mathematics but congratulations to all mentioned artistes in this article for holding enough numbers to be news worthy.

I mean, there’s a reason we ignored Cashbid ,Brythreesixty and Michael Mupotaringa. They are as irrelevant as a fart in a storm.

Let’s go beyond 2016 and pray that our celebrities and felebrities keep giving us something to chat about in groups weekly. Follow @Mcpotar on twitter just to calculate how long it will take for me to follow you back. Have fun and a prosperous 2017, with a few bloopers.

Top 3 Reasons You Should NOT Listen To Awa

I found myself on Award winning Awa Khiwe’s soundcloud page this week an well I figured like 3 top reasons anyone should not ever go to that soundcloud account, for any reason whatsoever.

01. She’s got unique concepts that will make you call up your cousin who’s been trying to thrive in Zim Hip-hop music and tell them to just quit. Now telling them to quit rap wouldn’t be nice, it will break their little hearts and thus it is a bad idea to be taking risks by exposing yourself to concepts by Awa such as the Ndebele traditional fusions in her beats and even her dress code.

02. You may be a member of the CIA, FBI or the CIO (because local is lekker). Now Awa Khiwe’s prowess may end up forcing you to approach her and give her a deal to join the establishment you work for. Now we wouldn’t want Awa to be approached by the CIA would we. Just in case you are part of them.Maybe you are even part of the Illuminati.

03. You will be late for work. So as soon as I started listening  to her song We Nkomo Zami  (don’t click on the link) I couldn’t get it off repeat. However the clock was ticking, they say time flies when you are enjoying yourself. You risk being late for work, not cooking, not bathing… not going for your won wedding.Perhaps the government should set a time for people to listen to her projects, so that the music doesn’t interfere with productivity.

So to cut a long story short don’t go to https://soundcloud.com/femcee-awa to hear great music. Don’t click on that link. Don’t do it, God is watching you.

 

Interview With A Professional Woman Player With Over 24 Side-chicks

We set out to find out what happens in the life and mind of a player. We are not talking about a football, rugby or tennis player, not even VLC, we are talking about a schizophrenic who dates multiple women at the same time.- One woman for each personality. The urban and slang definition of a player.

 

So we caught up with one of the best players in town who identifies himself as “Fourcorner” and we had the following interview with him.

 

So, tell us Mr. Four-corner, many people say that most players always gloat about their victories but say nothing about their losses. It is said players get rejected more than the average citizen. Is that true?

 

I can neither deny no confirm that. Under section 23 of the Players constitution I cannot divulge that information.

 

Fair enough. So how many girlfriends or side-chicks what have you, do you have?

Let me just say, they are so many that they have decided to register an Association with my main girlfriend as the president of that association. Women In Four-corner International (WiFi). roughly 24.

 

Whoa! Wait a minute, you say your main chick is on the forefront of this initiative? Isn’t she offended that you have side-chicks?

 

Well “The Twerk Twerk Twerk Twerk Queen” as we call her does not discriminate against side-chicks for she was a side-chick her-self and she had to fight against my ex-wifes oppressive regime. She is sitting with DJ Mox and negotiating with the directors of Sabhuku Vharazipi to finally bring to life Moxinator’s long awaited master-piece 12 Years A Side Chick. The movie industry in Zim will benefit from this one.

 

Oh my goodness. So anyway what sort of issues does the WiFi deal with?

WiFi? – Well you can for instance use it to connect to the internet or transfer files over Local Area Network?

 

I meant, Women In Fourcorner International…

 

Oh, you meant WIFI. It’s WIFI not wife-eye. Wife-eye would be a good security name though… You know for men to keep an eye on their wives who love me. Hahahaha

 

Okay back to your question, the role of the association is to tackle major concerns that the women face. The challenges they come across in trying to keep me satisfied and so forth. They raise money for make up and the association regulates whose turn it is to be on the profile pic with me.

 

Oh, so what happens to those who may want to have you on the Whatsapp display pic daily?

Due to reports of jealousy motivated violence in previous years over original photos the association resolved that others are only allowed to use that picture if it is by an app like Pic Mix.

 

You mentioned an ex-wife. What happened to her?

 

I have no idea, I only heard that she died after a long illness. I wonder what she was suffering from.

 

What challenges do you face as a player in Zimbabwe?

 

Well I get challenges from a lot of fellow big dhara’s who want to challenge my game especially when there is a yellow bone.

 

Let me re-frame that. I meant what other problems besides these big dhara’s?

 

Discrimination is a big problem. As a player I also do philanthropy, like Bill Gates, but because of my skin perhaps they want to call me the derogatory terms of blesser and sugar papa. Ungrateful girls have called me douche-bag but I am a born winner.

 

As a philanthropist I have been sponsoring young girls and giving them small grants for their skills as a way of giving back to their tax-paying parents from the missing 15 billion dollars. I have offered swallowships to many of them… and they have been so grateful as to kneel for them.

 

Okay that was unneccessary detail, I regret asking but ummm… Thank you Mr. Four-corner for sharing a lot with us.

 

PS: This is a fictitious interview for your own amusement. Feel free to follow me on twitter @Mcpotar or request me on Facebook.

Church Attendance In African Winter

Church is a great place to be on a Sunday, provided the Praise and Worship team actually attends practice and your Pastor understands the concept of “less is more”. No long sermons and all, straight to the point but enriching. – Church is actually a great place!

Not mentioning the perks that come with it. I mean after church you can mingle with people, get numbers from that girl on the premise of, “We should know each other as church youth.” and sell your mediocre gospel mixtape to everybody because the Pastor told them to support you.

“You should support the young man! If we don’t support him as the church who will.”

Yes so come along with your average products, we will be obliged to buy them after church just to please you.

Then comes along winter!

I suppose in winter, money driven pastors get worried about the amount of offering they may get. It will start to decrease like the weight of a traffic cop who’s been transferred to the office. The church is probably going to be half empty so on the run up to winter they will blackmail you into believing that if you do not come to church when winter begins on the basis of weather, “You are a lukewarm Christian,” – Well at least there’s a bit of warmth in that… but the words are cold.

The irony is the big Papa’s who hold their services in open space where the real cold is, will still have their crowd shivering and screaming, “Go deeper papa”. – At this point a little mbaura (COAL HEATER) will come in handy underneath the pulpit as long as it doesn’t burn Papa’s suit.

Perhaps just as the rich have personal tutors and doctors that come and treat them right in the comfort of their homes they may request a special church service in the comfort of their bed. Pastor by the bed-side ready to preach, maybe 5 praise and worship singers and so forth. – The offering on this one will have to compensate.

You are discouraged from watching the sermon from television, the blessings will bounce on the screen.

Well the praise and worship finally has the chance to get everyone to stand up and dance. They may usually have a hard time. It is either there are those quiet members, whose names nobody knows folding their arms as if to say, “try harder, ” or the shy brother who is really trying to dance but you can’t tell because of his micro-movements.

The choir leader will desperately say blackmail quotes like, “Usanyara kutambira mwari wako, ukanyara… mwari achakunyara wo.” – (don’t be shy to dance for God, if you are shy… God will be ashamed to bless you too). – Well we know that the real reason she wants you to stand up is not for God is it. It’s because she wants to be later proud of being able to move the crowd. You might need to stand up to just boost her confidence.

Not dancing doesn’t mean you’re ashamed of God, maybe you naturally don’t like dancing at all.

Alas! Today there is no need to motivate anyone… the weather speaks for itself and those who manage to get out of bed to attend church feel like the greatest prayer warriors of all time and thereby will be given the “BEST CHURCH PERSON MUG”.

And those who missed the service to “chill and Netflix” repent from thy iniquity. You not serious!

 

25 Funny Sayings You Might Want To Tweet

It is my job to come up with profound and funny material for twitter-verse and Facebook. I decide to give you about 25 funny sayings which you may copy and tweet or post onto your Facebook. High IQ or knowledge of popular culture and not so popular culture will help you get these oneliners.

If you get none of these just pretend you get it not to feel left out.

 

01 –

You’re so dumb, that you will pay maintenance for a child who’s older than you.

02 –

Your blesser is so old, I bet you’re carbon dating.

03 –

Coming along to your friends date should be called “date-crushing”.

04 –

Facebook should introduce a panel that says, “people you may wife”.

05 –

If the Million Man March taught us anything: “Reach for the millions so if you fail you land on a grand.”

06 –

Marriage begins with a “ring in box”. It should never end up a boxing ring.

07 –

It seems the Witch in Hansel and Gratel decided to get her building material from Lobels.

08 –

Kanye was a college drop out, but his surname is always on compass.

09 –

My favourite Queen Vee album is still, “Timeline Photos”.

10 –

My laptop doesn’t take a flash less than 8 gigabytes because size matters.

11 –

A picture is a thousand words, but your selfie has too many typos.

12 –

There is a secret organization which watches political posts on Facebook. – The FB-eye

13 –

Paul was a stoner before he joined the church. I wonder how he quit ganja.

14 –

Candles are so old fashioned we should start putting solar laps on birthday cakes.

15 –

If ZESA were in charge of the sun, night would unexpectedly come, and last longer than expected.

16 –

If your hands had ovaries, you’d have kids in High School by now.

17 –

The people who cut Samson’s hair started a weave company to empower girls.

18 –

I always knew there was something fishy about her, till I realized she was a mermaid.

19 –

Sharks refused to get into Noah’s ark but they are alive.

20 –

The doctor almost lost his job when his superiors heard that he was dating Patience.

21 –

I’m so good with words that I once played hangman with Saddam Hussein. I’m sure it’s clear who won.

22 –

A burger and a pie had a dispute so I judged them at the food court.

23 –

If music and books became free because of digitalization. I await the digital era of food.

24 –

Food is good motivation for humans that’s why I always represent data on pie charts.

25 –

If you can’t beat them, cheat them.

Hope you enjoyed these 25. If you like my blogposts follow me on @Mcpotar on twitter and send me a message on Facebook. Michael Mcpotar Mupotaringa or like Mcpotar Page

 

 

 

 

 

The Six Girls In A Bachelors Whatsapp Chat

So here are 6 girls you will probably find in your chat if you’re a bachelor. It may or may not apply for everyone, in fact some people don’t actually have any females in their chats yet. Getting numbers is not as easy as it seems hey.

1. The Manipulator

Normally she doesn’t start a conversation with you or reply to your, “Hey” messages. She practically even ignores if you try to compliment her. However when days are dark or she actually needs some help that she knows you might provide freely, underneath 7 of of your last attempts to start a conversation. She will say, “Hey Bruce, long time!” and a kiss-kiss emoji to that. – If you engage after a while the real reason she is texting you will emerge.

“Bruce, you do logos right.”

When she does that, just send her your rate card. Let her know you charge for it. Of course you usually do that for free for special friends but those 7 unreplied chats before her request scream, “We’re not that close.”

2. The Friendzoner

As you get a bit more comfy and flirtatious down the conversation she will check you by reminding you that you are her friend. She does this politely or actually uses the words, dear, friend and buddie as punctuation marks.

“Morning friend,” or “Goodnight friend” or…. you get the gist right?

Occasionally when she wants to assume the role of manipulator she will call you, boo, bae, hun or love.- You will resume to your dear title soon after delivering. She will say, “Thank you friend.”

 

3. The Crier

She may as well be one of the prettiest girls you chat with but oh, everybody apparently hates her. No one has been loyal to her in her life. Apparently her ex-boyfriend was the one who was always wrong in their relationship, he’s a douche. Apparently, her friends are all two timing back-stabbing b***s.
She will come to tell you all the troubles in her world and how she distastefully hates everyone. Including some people you see nothing wrong with. Very soon when she has a fall out with you. She will be telling other people how such a horrible person you are.

 

Ignore the crier at all costs.

4. The Blesser

I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about that girl who you can say, “hey nice pic” to and end up with a gallery of her in her baby suit by 6 in the morning. It’s like she has never read the news at all. No matter how many models have been humiliated in Hmetro and iHarare for the same thing. She’s screaming, “Hey, I want my turn.”

Did I mention that you’ve just met her? – What a blesser.

 

5.The Blessing

Don’t confuse “The Blesser” with “The Blessing”. The blessing can have any personality but this one, you can’t afford to offend her. She makes you smile, she makes you laugh and she looks out for you. You would marry her but you also fear you would lose her if you dated her.
This girl probably knows more about you than anyone else and if she happens to be “The Girlfriend” at the same time, stop wasting time and just marry her.

 

6. The Girlfriend

With this one, you had more fun as friends, no matter how much fun you have now. However now she seems to wait for you to chat her up first and has her eyes on how long you are online without talking to her. (Though you used to spend as much time without talking to her when you were friends)

Apparently you should be talking to her for every hour you are indicated as being online. This is justifiable thinking given that there might be blessers, criers and manipulators trying to steal what’s hers in other tabs.

But she must relax and know that she got this on lock. If she relaxes you will indeed block blesser, crier, manipulator and well she may graduate to being the blessing.

She must also realize she is allowed to play any of the roles in the whole list. Surely she can cry on your shoulder, “manipulate” you. – She’s bae.

But as long as she doesn’t realize it, allow her to feel stressed.

If you enjoy reading my blogposts please follow me on twitter on @Mcpotar and let’s kick it. Also look for Mcpotar on Facebook, there is a page and a profile, like and befriend both.